breathing still

i am breathing still
everyone is afraid i might not live
everyone assures me that my life is valuable
except for me
i feel nothing for my life
but i continue to breathe

9th time - oops i did it again!

unbearable feelings of anger
sadness, mysterious good byes
no plans, just acting on impulse
slowly, methodically
then a text message
sent with love

a serious self-destructive act
then another visit for the 9th time
black out
absolute blank
as if i were dead
hazy pictures

slowly coming to consciousness
surrounded by friends
as if i were a show
then a few days later a realization
that those who love me have rallied together
to bring me back to life...

i am a ghost of a person
a zombie or a mummy
walking around with others
as if i were normal
as if i were alive
dead butterflies multiply inside
i have no goal
i have no ambition
i am breathing
taking up space
a sorry excuse for a life
but i'm not sorry i'm not dead

- me

someday
i may sleep and wake worry free
should's will not create anxiety
morning will bring excitement

for now
days are too long mini nights bring relief
sleeping at night means a new day in the morning
if i stay awake maybe tomorrow will never come

- me

at last

through the rain and smoky clouds
flurries and minor turbulence
the captain failed a seamless landing
bravo even so myself and two pieces
(baggage) safely delivered
i wondered through the fog (was it clouds)
am i coming home?
is this home where lights are flickering?
or do i want to keep running?
in my apartment my mind feels settled
solid with certainty and dignity
i am stronger
at last i am home

- me

my love my life
my heart break
the fat lady is singing
tip the cows already
i am not afraid
in front of you my knees give
bolted doors open
my hopes fly away

- me

strangely complete stable and free
tired but restored and rejuvenated
standing on dry ground now
for awhile i hope
fear evaporated when i saw you

you didn't judge or criticize
with your arms held out
you walked towards me
i had no escape
i fell into your embrace

love of a father for his daughter
delicate but fiercely loving
i see me in you
you must see yourself in me
your love solidifies and secures

determined to stabilize
make well again your most excellent child
you see in me dreams and hopes
we used to talk about
the son you waited for i turned into

not without cost not without pain
i can't understand it
why i fear tomorrow
just tell me (i'll still be here)
everything will be all right

- me